THE FIRST ANNUAL DOONEYSCAFE.COM AWARDS
The Stockwell Day Conflict Resolution Award:
Joint Winners: post-humusly to Rehavam Zeevi, assassinated Israeli Minister of Tourism. Ret. General Zeevi appears to have thought that enjoyable tourism meant shooting at children with automatic rifles while driving around Palestinian camps in tanks or armoured cars. He referred to Arabs as "lice" and "cancers". Iraq’s deputy leader of the Revolutionary Command Council Izzat Ibraham, #2 to Saddam Hussein, speaking to an international conference of Islamic clergy in August 2001, he called for the destruction of Israel and asked that Arabs "rise quickly to expel the sons of monkeys and pigs, strangers on the land". Honourable Mention: Philadelphia Flyers GM Bobby Clark
Cannibals Ate My Brain Trophy:
Toronto mayor Mel Lastman for his remarks about why he didn’t want to visit Africa during the crucial stages of Toronto’s Olympic Bid and for going on camera during Literacy week to suggest that everyone in Canada ought to read the same book and then being unable to name the book (It was "Who Has Seen the Wind").
Ship of Fools Prize:
To the 2500 Torontonians who traveled to New York City on November 30th in a "Canada loves New York" aid tour, 1000 in buses, to ghoul the new sights and help out New Yorkers by shopping with Canadian dollars. The New York media ignored the event.
Richard M. Nixon Award for Psychic Convergence:
To the fathers of GW Bush and Osama bin Ladenfor their partnership in a Saudi American oil company.
Jean Chretien Award for Overstaying One’s Welcome:
To Stockwell Day, for continuing to breathe the promised air of Ottawa.
The Peter Worthington Prize for Journalistic Grace Under Fire:
To CTV Newsnet, for canning newsreader Avery Haines after she flipped some deliciously silly but marginally racist commentary on camera. CityTV evidently believed Haines’ skunk hairdo constitutes a visible minority, and scooped her up.
Left Wing Philanthropist of the Year:
Broadcaster Sharon Dunn, whose short-term dalliance with Ontario Premier Mike Harris led him to quit politics, attempt a doomed-to-fail reconciliation with his wife and play some golf before his Canadian Alliance leadership campaign begins.
The All-Canada "It Seemed Like A Good Idea At The Time" Award:
To anyone who voted Canadian Alliance and thus sent Stockwell Day to Ottawa as the official opposition to Jean Chretien and the Liberal party
Hairdresser’s Man of the Year:
to Federal Liberal MP Jean-Guy Carignan, the Joe Clark lookalike who was convicted of running over a 20 year old woman in Quebec City on the way to a hair appointment.
Fidel Castro memorial Media Monologist of the Year :
Anti-globalist activist Jaggi Singh, for dedication to a trough that has no money in it.
G. Gordon Liddy Award for Ill-advised Literary Self-Promotion:
Novelist Catherine Bush, (Minus Time, The Rules of Engagement) for novels that seem to take on large subject matters but are merely eager for publicity.
Stan Koebel Always Pick on the Little Guy with his hand in his pocket Award:
Canadian Armed Forces, for relieving Canadian Navy Commodore Eric Lerhe of command of Canada’s Pacific Fleet because he was surfing pornography websites on his DND laptop.
Wierdo of the Year:
U.S. Defense Secretary Donald Rumsfield, a Dr. Strangelove-grade Cold War spook who actually appears to have a clue about what to do with Terrorists.
Edward G. Robinson Award for Outstanding Police Work:
Toronto Police Services Board Chairman Norm Gardner, for sitting on Union chief Craig Bromell’s knee during meetings whenever Police Union issues were involved.
Wretchedly Overexposed Sports Personality of the Year:
Don Cherry, for returning to coaching after talking about it on television for 20 years.
Reds Under the Beds Prize:
B.C. Premier Gordon Campbell, whose allegedly Liberal coalition of interior rednecks, Social Credit dinosaurs, Reform and Canadian Alliance party bed-wetters, Fraser Institute storm troopers and corporate slicks exterminated the province’s accident-prone NDP incumbents and is now arranging for B.C. to have roughly the same economic and social policies as Mexico’s maquiladoras. (Campbell also wins our unofficial "Shooting-Fish-in-a-Barrel" Trophy)
Cry Me a River Trophy for Newscasting:
NBC News anchor Tom Brokaw, for weeping on camera about an assistant who’d been infected with Anthrax. The assistant worked in the mail room about four miles from Brokaw’s personal office.
Bishop Desmond Tutu Prize for Truth and Reconciliation:
UN secretary-general Kofi Annan; for the Durban Kangaroo Court Conference on Racism.
Hon. Mention: The US military planners who thought it would be nice to drop care packages just before the commencement of bombing in Afghanistan. They dropped 39,000 packages, while Afghanistan has a population of 18 million: bomb the crap out of them, give some cookies to every 461.5 of them to make it okay.
NAFTA Moment of the Year:
U.S. President G.W. Bush’s 19 percent softwood tax that closed the B.C. softwood industry.
Sore Loser Award:
Dick Pound, IOC executive, whose law firm makes millions annually working for the IOC, inexplicably didn’t quit when his bid to head the IOC failed.
Adlai Stevenson Trophy for Being Right and Nice and Politically Irrelevant:
NDP federal leader Alexa McDonough for suggesting that we might not want to compromise all our political principles and run roughshod over human rights just to get revenge on Osama bin Laden.
Andre Gide Memorial Prize for Moral Vigour:
The NDP campaign worker in Toronto’s Beaches 2001 by-election who "outed" Liberal candidate and Greenpeace co-founder Robert Hunter for having written a novel ten years ago that contained incorrect sexual practices. Hunter subsequently lost the bi-election.
Tammy Faye Baker Media Award for Too Much Makeup Combined with Bad Ideas and Loony Delivery:
Marlen Cowpland, for the CTV production Celebrity Pets
Left-Wing Personality of the Year:
Co-winners Federal MP Svend Robinson and left-wing entertainer Judy Rebick for the New Politics Initiative that suggests replacing the comatose NDP with a dysfunctional coalition of the most self-interested but politically picturesque elements of the groups who are supposed to vote NDP but usually don’t.
Justin Trudeau Rookie of the Year Prize:
Ben Mulroney, barely-informed but personable hostette appearing daily on CTV’s Talk-TV, for not quite being his father’s son while obliviously and usually merrily trading on it as the network grooms him as Lloyd Robertson’s replacement.
Rick Salutin Misunderstood Red Mullah Prize:
Diane Francis, for her Conrad-Black degree of willingness to bash any and every government program or initiative with humane intentions as character-corrupting communism.
The 1st Annual "Oh, Go Home" award:
Joint winners: Regis Philbin, for being everywhere without a good reason, and Anne Robinson of the television programme The Weakest Link for bad use of leather and other British S&M schoolmistress behaviors that don’t turn North Americans on.
Media Miracle of the Year:
The probably short-lived cache of international news on North American television newscasts.
Pierre Trudeau prize for unwarranted Macho during a political crisis:
U.S. House of Representative speaker Dennis Hastert for announcing on October 17th that the virulent straight of Anthrax sent to Senate Majority Leader Tom Daschle’s office had gotten into the ventilation system of the Capitol complex when the strain wasn’t particularly virulent and hadn’t gotten into the vents.
Bookseller of the Year:
Chapters Bookstores, for the reported drop in the average per-store number of titles carried from 175,000 to 50,000
You Really Can Fuck Your Brains Out Award:
Gary Condit, who is running for re-election in California. What’s wrong with a little illicit sex, suspicion of kidnapping, murder, etc.?
The John Roth Award for Excessive Entrepreneurial Zeal:
Air Canada CEO Robert Milton, who asked asking the Canadian government for 3 billion dollars within hours of the September 11th attacks on the WTC. He was given $400 million and a competition monopoly within Canadian borders as a consolation prize.
Victor Frankenstein Memorial Prize for the Canadian With the Greatest number of articulated but artificial parts:
Lady Barbara Amiel: (breasts, lips, chin, bombastic furry robe-wearing husband, photo-ops with Thatcher/Kissinger, country, etc.
Name Change-in-the-works Prize:
1.) Toronto company Q9 Networks CEO Osama Arafat.
Bottled Water Industry’s Man of the Year:
1.) Ontario Premier Mike Harris, for the Waterton Enquiry.
Great Expectations Award:
To Ottawa chatelaine Alana Kainz, for seeking a lump sum payment of $10 million and $100,000 a month in child support from her divorce petition against local software magnate Michael Potter even though she signed a complicated marriage contract before the 1999 marriage took place.
International Entrepreneur of the Year:
To the anonymous individual who came up with the idea of selling bags of WTC debris to tourists on the streets of New York City.
The Tammy Wynette Stand By Your Man Trophy:
Deb Gray, Former Reform Party dominatrix, last seen footsy with Joe Clark
10th Prize in a Beauty Contest Prize:
Jane Urquhart’s The Stone Carver was one of 24 books shortlisted for the 2001 Booker Prize.
Why Not Just go to the Garbage Dump and Hang Out Award:
To the Hugh Lane Municipal Gallery in Dublin, Ireland for its painstaking reconstruction of the chaotic 345 sq. foot London Studio painter Frances Bacon worked in for 31 years. The Gallery charges visitors $7 U S but doesn’t provide vaccination against infection.
To the unnamed person or persons responsible for a documentary film proposal currently making the rounds in Canada concerning men who are psychologically scarred and distraught after having their foreskins stolen from them at birth.
Concentration in the Face of Common Sense, Good Taste, Discretion and/or a Functioning Grasp of Reality Prize:
Shelagh Rogers, This Morning and CBC Radio for continuing to broadcast songs sent in by devoted listeners in praise of Rogers while the WTC towers were collapsing.
Bumboy of the Year:
1.) British Prime Minister Tony Blair, for his tireless work as GW Bush’s mouthpiece in and messenger to countries too dangerous for innocent Americans.
Canadian Entrepreneur of the Year:
Ron and Loren Koval, who built King West Medical in Toronto—and bilked $92 million from investors along the way. In October 2000 they jumped into a taxi with well over a million in cash, landing up in a South Carolina motel after racking up 1650 kilometres on the meter. They pled guilty, and apologized (and apologized and apologized) during their sentencing hearing in March, but only gave 18.5 $million back.
Darva Conger Prize For Believing That the World was Invented Sometime Last Week:
Rebecca Eckler, National Post Sunshine Girl, for her column about how "MoJo" was invented in the 1990s by Mike Myers to describe guys she knows who go to the gym and listen to music on portable CDs are doing inside their heads.
Ted Kaczynski Memorial Prize:
The perpetrator of the Anthrax scare, who we’re pretty sure is over 40, wears thick glasses, has freckles, and has probably done time in a Montana or Idaho survivalist bunker.
To Amy Koval, who was employed as a hostage by the Toronto police to get parents Ron and Loren back from their motel tour of America so they could face the investors they screwed for $92 million. Amy testified that her parents were the "Two most generous people I have ever known", possibly because they sent her off to an exclusive finishing school while they ran more than a $million in transactions through her bank account.
Von Trapp Family Award for Untoward Frolic:
Jointly, to Governor General Adrienne Clarkson, for being the least docile Governor General we’ve had since the British stopped sending us dead-drunk and eccentric members of the House of Lords and John Ralston Saul, for having the temerity to publish a serious book in support of democracy when he’s supposed to be sitting upright with mouth shut and brain disengaged as he watches parades, children’s concerts, openings of Parliament, etc; .
The Jerry Springer Award for using the poor and/or the addled to pollute the airwaves and give the upper classes something to laugh at:
Survivor II, for sending the maximum number of self-involved assholes to the Australian outback without any fatal accidents.
Grandmother of the Year:
Danielle Crittenden, whose Internet novel Amanda.Bright@home implies that the last half of the 20th Century didn’t take place and that giving women the vote was, if not a mistake, probably unnecessary.
George McGovern Trophy for Finishing Third in a Two Person Race:
Ontario NDP Leader Howard Hampton, for continuing to be, well, good old Howard Hampton,
Working Class Hero Award:
The Toronto Star’s delivery personnel declined to form a union recently because 85 percent of them don’t claim their income when filing income tax;
Bad Timing Award:
To the producers of South Park, who just before September 11th, launched a prime time sitcom called "Who’s My Bush".
Typhoid Mary Prize:
To Alberta Premier Ralph Klein, for pushing Stockwell Day onto the federal stage and out of his hair, all without a word about the fact that Day had pissed off everyone in Alberta with his non-denominational antics.
Sanctuary of Quiet Prize:
To the Saudi Royal Family, fund-raisers and incubators for Al Qaeda, along with being the most important government on the planet not controlled by the United States.