THE 2002 DOONEYSCAFE.COM ACHIEVEMENT AWARDS
Second Annual Cannibals Ate My Brain Trophy:John Walker Lindh, who should have been stocking shelves at Wal-Mart, not murmuring Islamic pieties while cleaning automatic weapons in Afghanistan.
Glutton of the Year:Fifty-one year old Cam Jackson, Ontario Tourism Minister, was forced to resign after "inadvertently" overcharging on expenses. He returned $7,927.45 of the $70,000 personally billed, which included $14,396 for hotels in downtown Toronto even though he lives in nearby Burlington, and $17,682 on $200-a-pop dinners at a circle of high-end Toronto steak houses. And what was that banging sound that was constantly in the background, anyway?
Crisis Down at the Feeding Stalls Prize: Former Ontario Education Minister John Snobelen admitted that he prefers the company of American cattle on his Oklahoma ranch to his legislative colleagues, and resigned his seat in the legislature…
Spouse of the Year:Wealthy Houston dentist Clara Harris hired a private detective to catch her 44 year old husband David in bed with one of his employees. But she confronted the two in a Houston hotel lobby, ripped off the woman blouse, jumped into her Mercedes 430-S and ran over her husband three times in the parking lot with her 16 year old daughter in the back seat. Her defense? "It was an accident."
Campbells Soup Brand Communist Takeover of the Year:Larry Campbell and left wing Committee Of Progressive Electors slate, responding to B.C. Premier Gordon Campbell’s efforts to turn the province into a Maquiladora, and incumbent Non Partisan Association indifference to those parts of the city with residents of less than $100,000 annual income, wiped the boards in Vancouver’s November civic election.
Pioneers of Accountancy Prize: Arthur Anderson, for providing the adding machines and accounting practices that precipitated the 2002 stock market collapse. The company has changed its name, and is soldiering on.
We All Need Someone We Can Beat On Award: To Health Canada for its Anti-tobacco ads, which encourage us to bully one another over second hand cigarette smoke when the research is either flawed or non-existent. Today’s cigarette-smoking Arabs are yesterday’s black communist homos. Aren’t we supposed to be building a society where no one is at the bottom?
Now We’re Sure You Were Guilty Prize: O.J. Simpson was charged in Miami during July for running his powerboat through a herd of endangered manatees.
Jean Chretien Award for Overstaying One’s Welcome: Solid wood U.S. Democratic party Presidential hangover Al Gore, slicked out of the presidency by Florida governor Jeb Bush and unable to trip up President George W. Bush during the U.S. mid-term elections, agrees to pack it in–but his eyes say he wants to be talked into running again.
The Peter Worthington Prize for Journalistic Grace Under Fire: Conrad Black carryover Robert Fife, for ratting out Francine Ducros, who pointed out that U.S. President George W. Bush is a moron in Prague Everyone else in the Canadian media contingent either exercised journalistic discretion or believed that Ducros was simply making an empirical observation. Among Fife’s past moments-of-excellence was his judgment that former Minister of Defence Art Eggleton was a competent cabinet minister.
"Bomb Canada! Where is it?" Prize: Perpetual U.S. presidential hopeful and right wing open-mouther Pat Buchanan, for calling Canada "Soviet Canuckistan" after Foreign Affairs Minister Bill Graham objected to the fingerprinting of Canadian citizens of Middle East origins being detained and fingerprinted at U.S. border points. Now we know who we really are.
The All-Canada "It Seemed Like A Good Idea At The Time" Award: Canadian silver-spooner Danielle Crittenden, chatelaineing in Washington, D.C. while her husband David Frum wrote speeches for George W. Bush, couldn’t keep herself from motor-mouthing that her husband personally coined the phrase "Axis of Evil" at D.C. cocktail parties. Frum was forced to resign from the Bush team, and is now rumoured to be in Western Canada trying to organize yet another right wing unity movement, this one to be called the HOC (Herd of Cats) Alliance.
Juggler of the Year: Michael Jackson, for dangling one of his children from a Paris balcony. Next time you feel like whining about your parents, imagine that Jackson is your father.
G. Gordon Liddy Award for Ill-advised Literary Self-Promotion: To Normally-funny This Hour Has 22 Minutes dominatrix Mary Walsh for her CBC television book show the apparent premise of which is to have a group of Walsh’s less-famous-and-funny friends read a few pages of recently-published books and then make fools of themselves during on-camera panel discussions while Walsh kicks in too-frequent commercials for herself and Newfoundland. There are at least 500 reading circles in Toronto alone that do better than this.
Poet’s Corner Trophy (Texas AA Poet of the Year): George W. Bush, for "Make the Pie Higher".
I think we all agree, the past is over
This is still a dangerous world.
It’s a world of madmen and uncertainty
and potential mental losses
Rarely is the question asked
Is our children learning?
Will the highways of the Internet become more few?
How many hands have I shaked?
They misunderestimate me.
I am a pit bull on the pantleg of opportunity.
I know that the human being and the fish can coexist.
Families is where our nation finds hope,
where our wings take dream.
Put food on your family!
Knock down the tollbooth!
Make the pie higher!
Make the pie higher!
Canadian Right Wing Intellectual Contraption of the Year: To Fred McMahon, Director, Centre for Globalization Studies at the Fraser Institute, for reinventing "Economic Freedom" West Coast flat-earth style, in which he discovers that getting rid of the federal government can save Canadians $3,800 a year, and that "Ontario is poorer than all US states except for West Virginia, Mississippi, and Montana…"
Weirdo of the Year: Celebrity Shoplifter Winona Ryder: Too weird for words, and arrested with more pharmaceuticals in her purse than most drugstores stock.
Edward G. Robinson Award for Outstanding Police Work: Vancouver Police Department, finally caught on that someone was killing women in the city’s depressed Downtown Eastside two years after everyone else in the city knew, including its otherwise comatose mayor, Philip Owen
Wretchedly Overexposed Sports Personality of the Year: Ron McLean, HNIC straight-man for Don Cherry, who negotiated his cushy contract with the CBC over the public airwaves without once dropping the shit-eating grin.
Second Annual Misunderstood Red Mullah Prize: Chistopher Hitchens, now vying to become George W. Bush’s unofficial press secretary in the name of George Orwell.
Bishop Desmond Tutu Prize for Truth and Reconciliation: Israeli Prime Minister Ariel Sharon, for sending troops in to destroy everything in Yassar Arafat’s Ramallah compound except Arafat’s personal living quarters—now accessible only by ladder.
Second Annual NAFTA Moment of the Year:
The media tableau of bloated Brian Mulroney and slightly dotty George H. Bush congratulating themselves for having put both their countries under the thumb of multinational corporate trade pirates without anyone trying to shoot them or slam custard pies in their kissers…
"Wit in Ottawa Isn’t an Oxymoron" Prize:
Transport Minister David Collenette, for pointing out to the Canadian Alliance party that Charlton Heston isn’t really Moses, and that Canada doesn’t have to take orders from the NRA. It isn’t clear whether new Alliance leader Stephen Harper understood the gag, since he has yet to crack a smile since his arrival.
Fidel Castro memorial Media Monologist of the Year: Globe & Mail Male Nostalgia/Neuralgia Reporter John Allemang, for his weekly rhymed poetry on topics of interest to men over 40 with burrs in their underwear. In self-defense, Canada appointed its first Poet laureate late in the year.
Second Annual Great Expectations Prize: Federal Cabinet Minister Allan Rock, for thinking that gun freaks and criminals would register weapons, or that the Safety Nazis who want gun control would provide active support for the program before the bureaucratic apparatus needed to enforce the registry reached 40 percent of the GNP—or before they and everyone in their contact group had jobs chasing down the guilty.
Andre Gide Memorial Prize for Moral Vigour:
U.S. Attorney-General John Ashcroft, for his efforts to reintegrate the Church and State so that America can compete spiritually with Moslem extremist governments. Wasn’t the U.S. constitution designed to separate those two historically-nasty playmates?
Second Annual Tammy Faye Baker Media Award for Too Much Makeup Combined with Bad Ideas and Loony Delivery: Marlen Cowpland, for CTV’s Celebrity Pets, still on the air, including the purple poodle…
Blind-sided By Squinting into One’s Own Navel Trophy:Toronto counselor Jack Layton, for trying to take the leadership of the Federal NDP with a campaign platform consisting exclusively of downtown Toronto issues, plus the NDP’s usual platform of idea-free nostalgia about the world before those nasty globalists arrived.
Second Annual Justin Trudeau Rookie of the Year Prize: Nigerian fashion journalist Isioma Daniel, for suggesting that the Prophet Muhammad would want to marry one of 92 candidates visiting the country to compete in the Miss World pageant. Her remark got 200 people killed in the ensuing riots, and the pageant moved to London, England. Ms. Daniel is currently in hiding.
English Patient Prize: To Saddam Hussein, for writing romantic novels "Zabiba and the King" and "The Steadfast Edifice" when he wasn’t driving his own limousine to avoid assassination, or bludgeoning his sons-in-law, or shooting his double for not resembling him closely enough, etc. etc.
Ayn Rand Memorial Asshole of the Year: To any of the contestants in the 2002 Survivor television series. Can someone tell these self-involved clowns that the characters in William Golding’s Lord of the Flies weren’t intended to grow up into reality television stars.
Turn Me Into A Pillar of Salt Prize: U.S. Republican Senator from Mississippi Trent Lott announced at retiring Senator Strom Thurmond’s 100th birthday celebration that "the nation would have been better served if Thurmond had been elected president in 1948". Thurmond ran for president on a platform of racial segregation.
Rescue of the Year: To the unnamed White House staffer who removed the bottle of Wild Turkey George W. Bush was using to dislodge a pretzel he’d swallowed while watching a football game.
The 2nd Annual "Oh, Go Home" award: The FBI, various CIA spooks and US Armed Forces strategists trying to erase the Canada/U.S borders and frighten our children to death with rumours of terrorists under the bed.
Media Miracle of the Year: 96-year-old Edna Staebler, Waterloo, Ontario author of a best-selling Mennonite Cookbook, refused an invitation to appear on Jay Leno because Leno’s chin reminded her, unpleasantly, of Brian Mulroney.
Canadian Book-lover of the Year, or, "We’re Okay in Rosedale" Prize: Heather Reisman, CEO of Chapters/Indigo, for bringing down, more or less single-handedly, Stoddart Publishing and General Distribution Services, the country’s largest Canadian-owned book publisher and distributor. We predict here that she’ll sell out to American-owned Barnes & Noble within 12 months, leaving the country’s book trade in the hands of those who own the rest of the country.
The John Roth Award for Excessive Entrepreneurial Zeal: Mark Valentine, pretty-boy stockbroker responsible for bringing down, with the aid of a cast of 20-something "Dawn of the Dead" nepotees from the mansions of Toronto’s Rosedale and Forest Hills, 50 year old securities firm Thomson Kernahan. Valentine is currently under house arrest in Florida after trying to sell phony stock to an FBI agent that would have bilked the company’s clients of $24 million. Now complaining that his electronic leg manacle sometimes awakens him from his naps and doesn’t match his Hugo Boss suits.
Second Annual "You Really Can Fuck Your Brains Out" Trophy: Terry LeBlanc, 36, Quebec Sports Lottery genius, accused former stripper girlfriend Josee Dubreuit with stealing $224,000 in lottery winnings after losing his virginity to her and paying for her breast implants. While he was in the witness box during the trial, LeBlanc became so agitated by DuBreuil’s antics (she was winking at him and making sucking gestures with her mouth) that he fainted.
International Entrepreneur of the Year:
Andrew Fastow, former Enron CFO, for masterminding the $1 billion fraud that brought down the utility. If convicted on all 78 fraud, money-laundering and conspiracy charges against him, Fastow could be in jail until sometime in the 31st century. We’re betting he’ll get 1-2 years in a tennis camp.
The Second Annual Tammy Wynette Stand By Your Man Trophy: Federal Liberal Prime Minister-in-waiting Paul Martin Jr. was so desperate to get the job before he gets his Old Age pension that he resigned from cabinet, started a civil war within his own party and tried to force sitting Prime Minister Jean Chretien to resign even though the country isn’t due for an election for another two years. Isn’t this guy supposed to represent the forces of fiscal responsibility and calm concern in government?
The George W. Bush Moron of the Year Trophy: To the unidentified 28 year old male brought into a Denver ER after an attempted suicide in which he’d swallowed a bottle of Vodka and several nitroglycerin pills. When the attending intern asked him about some bruises on his skull and forehead he answered that he’d been ramming his head against a wall in an attempt to explode the nitroglycerin.
Second Annual 10th Prize in a Beauty Contest Prize: Featureless chickens. Chickens are already the most abused creature on the planet. Now we want them shivering under grow lights too?
Visigoth-of-the-Year: Celebrity Swindler and Tyco International CEO Dennis Kozlowski, for the $2 million birthday party he threw for his wife, a waitress he discovered at a local bar, at which a life-size ice reproduction of Michelangelo’s David served vodka from his penis.
Second Annual Prize for Concentration in the Face of Common Sense, Good Taste, Discretion and/or a Functioning Grasp of Human Reality: Work continues on the George Harrison Hindu temple in Varanasi, India
Shaman of the Year: Former Assembly of First Nations Chief David Ahenakew lauded Adolf Hitler for trying to exterminate the Jews during a Saskatoon speech in December, then apologized by blaming his remarks on everyone and everything but himself. Thanks for reminding us that not all First Nations people are automatically wise and spiritual.
Second Annual Bumboy of the Year: British Prime Minister Tony Blair, for his ongoing and apparently tireless work as GW Bush’s mouthpiece in countries whose names Bush can’t yet pronounce.
Second Annual Darva Conger Prize For Believing That the World was Invented Sometime Last Week: Leah McLaren, teen princess at the Globe & Mail, went to England and expected to find a rich, normal male to have sex with.
Second Annual Ted Kaczynski Memorial Prize: Jointly, to the sniper subculture in the United States, celebrity sniper John Allen Muhammad, and the National Rifle Association for providing the weapons.
Sir John A. McDonald prize for top alcohol-influenced moment by a Canadian politician:
Defence Minister John McCallum confused Vimy Ridge and Vichy in the presence of a host of Canadian war vets and wide-awake French officials.
The Jean Tourette memorial prize for untimely but accurate social commentary: Jean Chretien aide Francine Ducros correctly identified U.S. President George W. Bush as a "moron" at a November NATO conference in Prague.
Second Annual Von Trapp Family Award for Untoward Frolic: Ontario Hydro One CEO Eleanor Clitheroe: $2 million a year, $214,000 car allowance, $300,000 for limousines for her nanny and children, $6 million buyout package for screwing up the sell-off of a public monopoly. Ms. Clitheroe, who "has a passion for sailing" also bought a $360,000 spot ad for the utility on an international competition sailing boat.
Second Annual Grandmother of the Year Prize: To Barbara Bush: Neither of her sons speak English well enough to pass a citizenship exam, two of the grand-daughters are lushes and a third is a criminal drug addict.
Working Class Hero Award: Nick Skalkas and Sarah le Riche got married in an Waterloo, Ontario Tim Horton using honey crullers as rings.
Second Annual Richard M. Nixon Trophy for Psychic Convergence: Charlton Heston, who has Alzheimer’s, remains President of the National Rifle Association.