We promised ourselves that we would not allow ourselves to be distracted by the trial of Canadian Senator Mike Duffy, charged with one count each of fraud and breach of trust related to his residency expenses; nine counts of fraud and nine counts of breach of trust for expenses unrelated to Senate business; four counts of fraud and four counts of breach of trust related to the awarding of consulting contracts; and one count each of bribery, frauds on the government and breach of trust related to the $90,000 payment Duffy received from former Prime Minister’s Office official Nigel Wright. Yes, that’s 31 charges, if you’ve been counting, more than the total number of your fingers, toes, ears, eyes, nose, and whatever other appendages you may happen to have.
We also vowed not to make any jokes about obesity or Prince Edward Island, the province now-suspended Senator Duffy allegedly represented. No, let’s not touch this with a ten-foot/three-meter pole, whichever is longer, we solemnly said.
But wouldn’t you know it? There it was, right up there in the headline of the Toronto Globe and Mail newspaper, April 10, 2015:
Crown invokes Justin Bieber in Mike Duffy trial
Daniel Leblanc’s riveting story begins, “The Crown has invoked a Canadian pop sensation as part of its argument that Mike Duffy was not a resident of Prince Edward Island when he became a senator in 2008.
“The Crown is alleging that Mr. Duffy was an Ottawa resident and did not meet the qualifications to represent PEI when he was appointed to the Senate by Prime Minister Stephen Harper. Crown attorney Mark Holmes said that just because Mr. Duffy had to be a PEI resident to become a senator, doesn’t prove that he was a resident when he was appointed.
“Mr. Holmes compared the residency rule to the requirement that all senators be 30 years old, arguing that someone under that age wouldn’t instantly become 30 upon being summoned to the Red Chamber.
““Bear with me,” Mr. Holmes asked his witness, recently retired Senate law clerk Mark Audcent. “Do you know who Justin Bieber is?””
We are not making this G&M story up. We are not The Onion. We are dooneyscafe.com, a reputable news service and dictionary. Yes, a Canadian government official asked a former Canadian government official in a Canadian courtroom, “Do you know who Justin Bieber is?” As if any loyal Canadian didn’t know who Justin Bieber is. What a slur! What a slander! And we say this not just because Mr. Bieber is a possible member of the dooneyscafe.com staff, possibly writing under the pseudonym of “Sidney Australia.”
The Globe continues:
“Mr. Audcent acknowledged being aware of the Canadian singer, who is 21, according to Mr. Holmes.
“If the Governor-General, acting on the advice of the Prime Minister, appointed Justin Bieber to the Senate tomorrow, would he become 30?” asked Mr. Holmes.
“Of course not,” Mr. Audcent answered.
“Judge Charles Vaillancourt certainly got the point, but asked Mr. Holmes to “keep on topic.””
Well, there you have it. Case closed! Sure, the trial will go on for an endless number of weeks, months and years, but the crux of the case is settled: Justin Bieber would not, we repeat, not become 30 if Stephen Harper appointed Justin a senator (just as Mike Duffy would not become a resident of PEI if he was not a resident of PEI just because Stephen Harper appointed Duffy a senator from PEI). Got that?!
On behalf of Mr. Bieber, Dooney’s Dictionary is authorized to announce that: Justin Bieber has not in the past and is not in the present seeking to become 30, even if Stephen Harper appoints him to be a Senator. Further, Justin Bieber has not sought and is not now seeking to become a Canadian Senator, and if appointed by Stephen Harper to the Senate, Mr. Bieber will politely decline, apologise for everything, and go piss in a bucket.