Canada’s largest and most confused province has at least four distinct regions: 1.) Metro Toronto, which would rather be New York City only cleaner and safer 2.) Southwestern Ontario, which just wants the Auto Pact to live on so everyone can afford to stay drunk on American beer. 3.) Eastern Ontario, where it borders Lake Ontario, which is obsessed with breeding hockey players and ridiculing Quebec-bred hockey players as contact-shy wimps. 4. The northern regions of Ontario, which are distinguished by ridiculously long winters, prehistoric rocks, mercury poisoning, and several glow-in-the dark mining communities which are the result of excessive anti-Communist zeal at the Atomic Energy Commission of Canada a few decades ago.

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