National Game: Quebec Bans Hockey Mask Face-Covering
Amid criticism from across Canada over a province of Quebec law that bans
face coverings for giving or receiving public services or entertainments, Quebec Justice Minister Stephanie Vallee announced on Thursday that hockey masks for goalies would be banned as part of the “State Religious Neutrality Law.” “Why should goalies be able to hide their faces during the national game?” asked the minister. “Their ability to conceal their goal-tending strategy while a left-winger is taking a slapshot is totally unjust,” Vallee declared.
However, in a statement partially walking back her initial decree, Vallee softened the application of the law. “If goalies are taking public transportation to the game,” the minister explained, “they only have to briefly lift their mask for the bus driver to see their face, and can wear the full mask for the remainder of the bus-ride, along with Muslim women, and punks in face-concealing hoodies.”
Further, Vallee said that hockey centres-in-burkas have to lift their face-coverings only during face-offs. Other “accomodations” will be provided as necessary, the minister promised.
Montreal seismological scientists
reported that legendary Canadiens goaltender Jacques Plante (1929-1986) rolled over in his grave, and it registered as a 5.8 quake on the Richter Scale. Plante invented the goaltender mask in the 1959-1960 season when his nose was broken by a shot by the New York Rangers’ Andy Bathgate. (cf. Wikipedia, “Jacques Plante” for the long history of Plante’s argument with coach Toe Blake, who tried to prevent the goalie from wearing the mask, claiming it would harm the “national game.”) According to the scientists, Plante not only rolled over, but was recorded as saying, “Sacre bleu! Goddamned pure laine bourgeois bosses.”
— Not The Onion, this is The Paul Bunyan Review: Tall Tales for the Time of Trump.