Monday, December 17, 2018

a news service

Dictionary entries are filed alphabetically: choose a letter to view entries.
The dictionary contains 611 entries.


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R.c.m.p. (mounties)

Originally guys in red suits organized to convince wild Indians that white people are friends of Santa Claus. Now chiefly found standing next to Royal Family members during state visits, dead asleep outside 24 Sussex Drive, tasering distraught immigrants before they get out of the airport, or driving around small towns without ever getting out of their cars unless there’s a native indian to beat up and leave in a snowbank, or a psychotic to push aboard onto an outgoing bus. The RCMP occasionally become the focus of government inquiries concerning the failure of the force to do anything since 1970 except export lots of CSIS agents from its ranks; burn innocent people’s barns and foul up major bribe investigations. During a recent round of budgetary belt tightening, the Federal Government sold the RCMP rights to Walt Disney.

Rabinovitch, Robert

CBC President. Don’t anyone get their hopes up just because he isn’t Perrin Beatty and may have several real ideas and parts of a functioning backbone. Jesus Christ couldn’t save the CBC from the gang of monetarists inside the Federal cabinet bent on hatcheting it to death.

Race Relations

Notwithstanding all the good intentions, this is most heavily policed social zone in Canadian history. Race and class relations in Canada are usually conflated with (or confused) one another, sufficient degrees of ethnicity give individuals and groups licence for racial discrimination. George Orwell would have been amused…

Radler, David

This unspectacular little man was the axe Conrad Black kept in his back pocket while he was draining the gravy from his various companies. Radler was the most-hated man in Canadian newspaper offices until the Aspers came along, and his memory, even after his conviction on criminal charges, still gives newspapermen nightmares. Eventually he turned in his old boss in exchange for a reduced. Don’t the privileged classes know that if you keep an axe in your back pocket, sooner or later it’s going to cut your ass, too?

Rae, Bob

Former Ontario premier, and with Pierre Trudeau, one of the only fully literate Canadians ever elected as a head of state. Rae couldn’t handle his party’s powerful Labour Brigade nor Ontario’s corporate captains, and self-destructed three months into his government’s term of office by falling into the hands of his party’s Safety Nazis, who were the only people left willing to support him. Now a Toronto Star book reviewer and university lecturer, and Ontario spokesperson for obsolete social sanities.

Raffi Cavoukian

Canadian-based “Child honouring” children’s entertainer, platitude purveyor, and the author of the song “Baby Beluga”, which has the unique ability to turn otherwise caring parents against their own children after the 200th repetition. Cavoukian twitters his deep thoughts 20 times a day even though he’s never had a deep thought.

Rank And File

The small minority of Trade Unionists who actually vote NDP, for which, if found out, they are immediately beaten up on by members of the Teamster’s Union.

The Rankin Family

Damn! Just as everyone realized that their music wasn’t a family of fingernails scraping a blackboard, one of them had to die in a car accident that was pointless even by Cape Breton standards.

Raptors

a.) birds of prey, like hawks, eagles, owls, highly sensitive to DDT. b.) Toronto pro basketball franchise named after animated Stephen Spielberg movie characters. Ten years from now, they’ll have to be renamed when some archaeologist discovers that velociraptors actually lived on cream cheese and were as docile as barnyard chickens. (This is better than the Vancouver Grizzlies, who were a marketing error: wrong name and the wrong city now that the Hong Kong money is evaporating.

Real Estate Industry

Urban doomsday mechanism created during the 1970s by well-meaning idiots who induced governments to restrict available development lands in order to maintain or enhance the quality of urban life. The immediate effect of this was to artificially inflate land values. Land development companies then ratcheted land values further upward by selling properties to themselves at inflated values and interest rates in order to avoid taxes, thus invoking a volatile financial version of the Chinese Fire Drill in which crazed developers and their bankers alternately chase each other to catch nonexistent assets as they float upward and dodge plummeting properties when their true utility and value become momentarily visible.

Realism

Principle widely fondled in Canada’s federal government that supposes that “reality” for Canadians consists of lying on their collective back and letting corporate multinationals or the United States screw them out of their birthrights and their remaining wealth.

Red Tories

Red Tories are conservatives who believe in capitalism and in moderate social democratic public policy. Until their extermination in the 1993 federal election, they were the reason that all the major parties in the Canadian political spectrum operated in territory slightly to the left of, say, the Clinton Democrats in the U.S. Kim Campbell was, for instance, a fairly typical Red Tory. She’d actually read several pages of 18th Century philosopher Edmund Burke, played a musical instrument, could speak a foreign language and, as Justice Minister, introduced an amendment to the nation’s Human Rights Act to protect the rights of homosexuals. When asked by a member of the Family Values Caucus of her party what in the world she thought she was doing, she replied, “Justice.” Other Red Tories of note: Michael Valpy, Dalton Camp, Robert Stanfield and NDP leader Alexa McDonut’s current boyfriend.

Referenda And Initiatives

Ersatz Americanizing device arising out of constitutional debate in which self-serving choices are offered to citizens by governments wanting to add to their banana collections. In practice, referenda serve to make the rich and aggressive more rich, aggressive and right wing.

Referendums Ii

During the 2000 Federal Election, CAP leader Stockwell Day suggested that he’d be willing to hold national referendums on any issue over which an instigating group could come up with 350,000 petition signatures. CBC’s This Hour Has 22 Minutes responded by mounting an internet-based petition demanding that Day change his first name to Doris, and easily got more than a million embarrassing signatures. Now, this was a good joke that humiliated Day, but the laughter hides a very serious point about the Internet’s possible effect on populist politics. That point? If we’re not going to turn Parliament into a mud-wrestling forum for grudge-driven minorities with one-idea explanations for human reality, we’d better adjust our gate-keeping to account for the fact that in the electronic age, information and opinion moves the same way avalanches do on snowy hillsides, and that both can be as lethal to innocent bystanders.

Reform Party

Alberta neo-vigilante fringe started by folks who want to cut taxes,kick fags, disband the civil service, make the poor work harder, and expel all those dark-skinned immigrants so that Canadians can have as little fun as they did in the 1930s. Reform’s ultimate goal was to have the Americans walk in and restore order the way they did in Panama and Vietnam. Now called the Canadian Alliance Party.

Resources

What Canada’s economy removes from the premises as “exports”, usually in the most unprocessed possible form.

Richard, Maurice

Maurice Richard was the greatest hockey player this country has ever produced. Known as “The Rocket” during his playing career (1943-1960)and until his death in 2000, he electrified crowds with the intensity of his play and his passion for the game as he won countless games for the legendary Montreal Canadiens, the most successful hockey team in NHL history. Raised in St. Henri, a slum in downtown Montreal, Richard sometimes had to skate to school in winter because his family couldn’t afford both skates and winter boots. Anyone who does not agree with my assessment of his greatness knows nothing about hockey, so dooneyscafe.com shouldn’t listen to them. Contributed by Bill Templeman. Our editors suggest consideration be given to Wayne Gretzky, Gordie Howe, and Bobby Orr as the greatest

Richler, Daniel

Rod Stewart look-a-like who can relate equally easily to Robert Hughes and to people who think they’re vampires. That’ll make him a future culture hero and a bridge between the past and future of Canadian culture–if we’re lucky. If we’re unlucky, Richler will simply become another TV-head with a big nose.

Richler, Mordecai

Grumpy 1950s-style novelist, fine essayist and better political commentator who pointed out that Quebec, in its efforts to secure the purity of its indigenous culture and national character, borders on the same goofy chauvinist excesses that energized Fascist regimes during the 1930s. Quebec nationalists and their English-language sympathizers regularly reviled Richler, thus demonstrating the accuracy of his claims. Due to his grumpy old man personality, Richler probably should have been kept away from the general public in his last years, along with his two equally grumpy but less talented sons, Noah and Jacob.

RIM

Formerly the Waterloo, Ontario-based Research in Motion, which parlayed an innovative and speedy secure e-mail system into the Blackberry smartphone empire. Now that technology advances have passed the Blackberry, RIM is going to have to do something inspiring to keep the RIM acronym from meaning Retrograde Insolvent Moneyloser.

Rir (real Interest Rate)

The difference between the rate of inflation and the Bank of Canada’s prime lending rate. Across western economies since 1930, the RIR has fluctuated between one and three percent. In Canada between 1988 and 1996, the RIR ran between five and eight percent, thereby providing unreasonably high profits for the bond market and banks. More moderate ratios since are not so much a sign of progress as a signal that other, less easy-to-spot kinds of fiscal vivisection are underway.

Rob Ford

This wealthy Etobicoke bully accurately translated the discontent in Toronto’s suburbs with David Miller’s downtown-focused administration into a successful run at the mayoralty race for the city in 2010, bringing his supposedly-smarter older brother Doug with him to city council as his designated shit-kicker. The brothers ran a Mike-Harris-comes-to-Toronto campaign that convinced voters that the city had a huge budget deficit, and that only they could get rid of the gravy-train at city hall. There was no gravy, brother Doug has turned out to be even dumber than Rob, the budget deficit wasn’t huge, and even Ford’s own allies have recognized that his ideology-based wish to cut city services is nothing more than that—and political suicide for them. So Toronto gets four years of being embarrassed by two fat bullies, and government-by-conflict.

Robert Pickton

No one wants any more information about Robert Pickton, who got to murder as many as 49 women and dispose of their bodies in a wood-chipper before he was caught. His story is synonymous with police racism, police bungling, and pigs being omnivorou.

Robertson, Lloyd

CTV news anchor, and “Canada’s most trusted voice”, famed for only going off  his medication  for Gemini week and during Federal elections, and for being shorter than Alan Ladd. There’s still no evidence that he was more than vaguely aware that the disasters he recounted from the teleprompters had anything to do with living human beings, which isn’t the sort of thing he encountered at CTV’s Toronto studios.

Robinson, Svend

Gay activist M.P. and euthanasia enthusiast from B.C. He’s the most intelligent NDP MP since T.C. Douglas, and, given that he’s being sent to Ottawa by a working class Vancouver suburb, a man who obviously knows how to run a local constituency. These have been, so far, minor accomplishments. Too bad the Federal NDP didn’t have the courage to elect him leader. If it had, the party could have self-destructed in much more interesting and educatives ways than it has.

Rocky Mountains

Pile of large rocks and plate-tectonic upthrusts that take up most of the land area in British Columbia. Beloved of Japanese tourists and forestry multinationals. Japanese use them for sentimental nature hikes and safe photographic subjects, while the multinationals find that their variable landscapes and inaccessibility make it easier to hide the fact that forestry over-harvesting is denuding their slopes of trees. The presence of these mountains occasionally give Albertans living in the vicinity cause to doubt their cherished belief that the world is flat.

Rogers, Shelagh

ROGERS, SHELAGH: New CBC radio morning host. Her best on-air quality is that she’s easily amused. So, how can we say this delicately? Okay. try this: Now that she’s head of state at a national institution she needs to develop a few alternate ways of relating to Canada’s version of the human condition. At least.

Rogers, Ted

Cable mogul and Major League baseball team owner equally dedicated to the total privatization of Canadian broadcasting as to the total Americanization of Canadian television. He’s also interested in technology convergence where profitable to him. If anyone can find an original idea, or one with redeeming social value in the vicinity of this man, please contact the CRTC.

Romanow, Roy

Retired Saskatchewan premier. He wasn’t T.C. Douglas. On the other hand, he wasn’t Ralph Klein, either….No, wait a minute, why are we comforted by that? He wasn’t T.C. Douglas…

Rrsps

Now, these are fine things for cautious middle-aged folks, but the amount of bank propaganda aimed at making people in their twenties worry about not having RRSPs when they ought to be out getting drunk, avoiding STDs and generally having a good time is a piece of social engineering that isn’t going to help anyone except the banks.

Russian Dipsticks

Just when it seems that the Red Menace has been replaced by oil-conniving Arabs and biker gangs, comes the ice-fishing trip to end all ice-fishing trips. Unlike Canadians, who’d merely drive their skidoos into the lake and drown, a bunch of bozo diplomats climb into their Ladas and drive home dead drunk. The cops get one in front of the Parliament Buildings but another runs over two women out walking a dog a few blocks away and kills one. Both diplomats are whisked out of the country on the excuse of diplomatic immunity. What they leave behind is a bigger stink in the air than the KGB bumbled their way into over seven decades. And now Canadians are going to see how Russian Democracy and Vladimir Putin really operate.