Monday, December 17, 2018

a news service

Dictionary entries are filed alphabetically: choose a letter to view entries.
The dictionary contains 611 entries.


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Galiano Island

B.C. Gulf island and Lesbos West. The only place in Canada outside of the Queen Charlotte Islands that has customs checks at the ferry terminal. Those not wearing Birkenstock sandals are ridiculed and given vitamin injections, then deported on the next ferry out.

Gary Goodyear

 

Recently minted Federal Minister of Science and Technology under Stephen Harper. He is a chiropractor by profession, and an evangelical Christian.  Is his belief that dinosaurs roamed the earth 6014 years ago and that Intelligent Design is actually intelligence a job qualification?  Harper evidently thinks it is.

Gaspe

Area of patriotic pride for French-Canadians, and occasional site for experimental mass chemotherapy, hence the name. Uninhabitable to all mammals but nature photographers, federal government film crews and a shrinking population of diseased whales and fur seals.

Geminis

Canada’s awards for television merit-all thousands and thousands of them despite the scarcity of watchable television programming. Until recently, the only television people who had time to watch television or vote on the awards were CBC’s thousands and thousands of non-producing producers. With them gone or soon to be departing, expect stranger but more entertaining events to happen at the ceremonies.

Generals (retired)

After Lewis MacKenzie became a media star by accomplishing absolutely nothing as head of UN peacekeeping forces in Bosnia in the early 1990s, the goal of Canadian military personnel changed from “serve and protect” to “screw up outside the country but give first rate interviews to CNN, Retire immediately and sign a book deal, become a television commentator whenever two or more olive-garbed human beings begin to hack at or shoot one another, and run for parliament under the banner of most opportunistic political party.” Due to some miscalculations on the part of MacKenzie’s advisors, Canadian civilians have been spared from having the general conduct his moral renaissance from the floor of the House of Commons.

Genies

Awards given to Canadian film-makers after stuffing them with rubber chicken. We now make good films in Canada, but FTA and NAFTA took away any hope of distributing them.

Gill, Alexandra

The Globe & Mail’s one-person National Enquirer until she was shipped off to the West Coast to blather on about “Lotusland” and other cliches that only Torontonians fall for. Gill has an entertainingly mean mouth on her and an eye for where the cosmetic surgery scars are. But if she doesn’t stop letting the rich and corporate off easy, she’ll end up as the next Zena Cherry.

Gillian Guess Syndrome

Set of social behaviors in which women on B.C. juries unaccountably fall in love with accused persons and go from there to further sorts of silly behavior such as co-authoring books and other acts of dubious creativity. It’s hard to say whether GGS is caused by the B.C. climate, or by the nine years of NDP government, which seems to have widened the definition of what constitutes a victim so profoundly that literally anything out there can be forgiven and anyone fallen in love with. Was recently the subject of the worst soft-porn movie ever made in Canada.

Glasco, Kimberley

According to some people, this principal dancer with the National Ballet of Canada was denied interesting roles and eventually canned because she was 38 years old and her brittle set of dancing skills were fading fast. Others argue that she was fired because she’d called into question, as the dancer’s representative on the Ballet Board of Directors, the financial arrangements of the Company. Glasco went to court over her dismissal, and was reinstated. Arts managers are now whining that Glasco’s reinstatement raises the spectre of the courts regularly telling employers in the arts who they must cast in starring roles. If that’s going to be the way things are, they argue, what’s to stop every hack actor from suing theatres when they don’t get the plum roles, or minor dancers suing dance companies when they audition and don’t get the parts they think they deserve? The Canadian Alliance Part will enjoy the resulting chaos, but has anyone else got a problem with this?

Global Television Network

Canadian television’s “Third Network” owned by the same guys who now control the National Post and most of the country’s other newspapers. The best way to get onto Global Television news broadcasts is to car-jack somebody within a mile of the local Global stations, because they do their local news-gathering on a strict proximity radius.

The Globe & Mail

“Canada’s Newspaper” in the sense that it is not terribly well written, isn’t terribly well edited or managed, isn’t politically independent of foreign control, thinks that used cars are pre-owned Jaguars and exit-level BMWs, and is about as authentically Canadian as the National Post.

Gould, Glenn

Amateur Stockbroker. Good pianist. Strange person. Subject for innumerable CBC radio and television documentaries. The recent revelation that his eccentricities were the product of autism raises the question of what percentage of rock musicians, politicians and Fiscal Giants ™ aren’t autistic.

Government/industry Cooperation

Code word for bizarre economic development practice nearly universal among Canadian governments: 1.) Governments sign into cooperative ventures large, financially plump corporations (preferably foreign-owned or controlled), pump vast numbers of dollars into goofy joint ventures in the form of direct grants, tax credits or non-secured loans. 2.) While the money input is near its peak, the corporations whine loudly about bureaucratic interference, high taxation, and Big Government. 3.)When and if the joint venture becomes profitable, the politicians privatize it, write off the public investment and offer the participating corporations further asset write-downs, tax credits and further grants until the corporation decides to close the in-country manufacturing facilities and move them to the U.S. or Mexico. 4.) If (as is usually the case) the joint venture fails, the loans are written off, the tax grants forgiven, and the government leaders make mea culpa confessions about the dangers of socialism. Cf. The Bricklin car or growing cucumbers in Newfoundland.

Governors General

Ceremonial representatives of the British Crown, the post has recently been conferred upon political retirees who have demonstrated skills at standing still for long periods without mumbling or fainting. Bet on Adrienne Clarkson to change the pattern.

Grant, George

Canadian Christian philosopher, author of Technology and Empire, a book that got nearly everything Marshall McLuhan missed or glossed over, and Lament For a Nation, which depicted the pickle we’re in with eerie prescience. Grant was not a “supermind” and his lack of recognition offers a credible argument that it isn’t always a great idea to write clear sentences filled with connected, lucid ideas.

Great Lakes

Sewerways for Central Canadians, who like to pretend that the real pollution comes from Cleveland, Ohio instead of the 500 or so miniature Clevelands that dot the northern shore of the lake system.

Green, Tom

Canadian-born shock comic who’s making it big on U.S. television by being willing to do literally anything, right up to humping dead animals and dating Drew Barrymore. What makes him funny and frightening at the same time is that he’s shortened the gap between television comedy and cruelty/criminal perversity spectacles the medium has been heading toward for thirty years, and he’s made it look easy.

Greene, Lorne

Greene left the CBC in the late 1950s to become an American father figure on Bonanza, the last television program to argue that women are irrelevant and don’t need to come on the cattle drive. Later on Greene worked as the only TV host ever to simulcast voice and his own unique interpretation of international sign language. While only 13 percent of Americans believe Elvis is still alive, 70 percent of Canadians believe that Greene is still alive and guiding U.S. network television from his isolated Arizona ranch.

Gregg, Allan

Tory Pollster and media bon-vivant, with a fringe on his hair, presumably to hide the glue spilled securing his toupee. If everyone systematically lied to pollsters for about five years, polling accuracy would disintegrate, the pollster’s strangle-hold on the Canadian political system would loosen, and we could start having political lives based on what is good or true-or on what the rich and powerful are prepared to force down our throats-instead of on our vilest and most myopic impulses.

Gretzky, Walter

Premier Canadian parent of the late 20th century. Why hasn’t somebody gotten him to write a parenting manual?

Gretzky, Wayne

Archetypal Canadian Character, late 1970s, early 1980s: Slight, fast, married to an American movie starlet, more interested in sidelines than the main game, intensely loyal until something better shows up. Durable and not easily hit. “If you try to stop me, I’ll pass off to someone else, and he’ll get me what I want.” Grezky is convincingly nice man, which means he’s become the pitchman for nearly every consumer corporation selling product within Canada’s borders.

Griffin Prize

Already-in-trouble $40,000 annual poultry prize named after Toronto philanthropist Scott Griffin. The jury gave out its first award to Montrealer Anne Carson, who most of the sixty-five people in the country who read poetry know is among the most gifted poet currently working in the English language, and in a league of her own within Canada. This leaves the troubling problems of how to recycle the outpourings of skinny and unsaleable tomes of deeply sincere poetic feelings the prize money will engender, and who to give the prize to in the years when Carson doesn’t have a new book.

The Group Of Seven

The kindest way to look at this group of outdoorsmen, cocksmen, poor swimmers, drunks and socialites is to call them the visual arts equivalent of Don Messer’s Jubilee. But as the official CanCon sector of Canadian visual arts shrinks to a three mile radius around Kleinburg, Ontario, can’t the rest of us admit that Patterson Ewen, Harold Towne and Greg Curnoe, along with a half dozen others who are still alive,were or are superior art guys in every possible way?

Grudges Quebec Justifiably Holds Against English Canada.

1. Clarence Campbell’s suspension of Rocket Richard in 1957. Montrealers busted up St. Laurent street, Les Canadien lost the Stanley Cup, and Quebecois are still steaming about it. 2. The Iroquois. In the 16th and 17th centuries, the French backed the Hurons, the English helped the Iroquois exterminate them, and that’s why there are no francophone Indians.

Gun Registry

Much bally-hooed federal Liberal program to force law-abiding citizens to register guns and to re-employ federal bureaucrats defenestrated from worthwhile programs. Cost overruns ran the tab to over a $billion, and the illegal handguns continued to pour across the border unabated. Soon to be dismantled, or truncated into irrelevance by Ottawa Conservative MPs wanting to keep hunting rifles under their House of Commons desks.

Gzowski, Peter

Fuzzy-voiced CBC talk-show host and nationalist astronaut personally charged with preserving national unity among the 5000 educated upper middle class English-speaking Canadians who listen to the CBC. His last few years on radio were marked by a curious unwillingness to interview anyone smarter than he was, a policy that seems to have become enshrined in all CBC editorial formats since. Figure of considerable nostalgia in the era of Stuart McLean.